Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Act of Falling

     I was hoping not to tell you this, but I think that my confession might give me some relief:
     I dropped the Torah.
     For Jews of my generation and background, this is very bad.  Very, very bad. We learned that when we dropped our yarmulke (skullcap) on the floor, we were supposed to kiss it.  Same goes for our prayer book.
     What's a Jew to do when she drops the Torah?
     The Torah fell when I was preparing for our Rosh Hashanah service at Friedman Place. I took the Torah out of the ark to practice and find my place.  Our Torah is old, and the roller is broken, and it wasn't rotating very easily.  I also had my book on the bimah (lectern) to help me find my place, and before I knew it, the fatter scroll quietly unrolled onto the floor.
     I was mortified.  I checked for damage.  Luckily, the parchment did not tear.  I carefully lifted the Torah back onto the bimah and kept telling it I was sorry.
     I didn't know what I was supposed to do.  I wanted to show the Torah my respect, so I started thinking of the Torah as a person.  What would I do if I dropped a person?
     It just so happens I've dropped a person.  In fact, I've dropped two. When I first brought Jesse home from the hospital after a month in intensive care, I put him in Robby's fancy Aprica stroller, which had been idle for a year or more, and took him for a stroll around Meadow Drive.  Halfway around the block, the stroller collapsed, the way strollers are supposed to collapse, except not when there are babies in them.
     Jesse fell to the ground and started screaming.  I could not miss the irony: he had survived heart surgery and a month in the hospital, but that was a cakewalk compared to a summer stroll down our suburban street with me.
     The Robby thing was more of a face plant.  Don't ask.
     Of course when I dropped the boys, they cried and were plenty mad. I checked them for damage, did a lot of apologizing, and kissed them--just like I did with the Torah.
     I know that I am not the first person to ever drop a Torah.  Every Saturday morning at synagogues all over the world, 13-year-olds take the Torah out of the ark, and they are not trained professionals.  I'm sure that sometimes the Torah takes a tumble.
     Please don't think I am minimizing this offense.  I have been feeling very, very guilty about it, and it's been the subject of a lot of High Holiday silent prayer. I googled "dropping the Torah" and learned the wide range of remedies.  I wanted to find a punishment that fit the crime.  The most severe is a 40 day fast.
     That seems pretty severe.
     The least severe is checking to see if anyone else saw, and then whistling as if nothing happened.
     I think that ship has sailed.
    As I sat in Temple on Yom Kippur, recounting my shortcomings, I asked God to inscribe me in The Book of Life for the coming year.  In this season of confession and atonement, where does the sin of dropping the Torah rank?
     I guess I'll find out.


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